I Was 22 When I Became an Atheist

I was failing out of college, addicted to drugs, and partying nonstop.

One day, I got pulled into the dean’s office and was told I was being academically dismissed.

They told me I had failed my final exam for a core class I needed to pass and that the next day, I would be kicked out of school due to my failing grades.

The worst part is, I had studied so hard for that test and was sure I would pass. I went home, and rather than calling my parents, I kept this dark secret to myself, a cloud of shame and worry over my head.

The next day, I sat crying in my car in a random park near my apartment. It was the morning I was to be kicked out of college.

I had prayed to God in distress my whole life, but that day, something changed in my heart that had been building for a while.

I was no longer the 16-year-old nerdy kid carrying his Bible around school, going to church three times a week, and singing in the church choir.

In that moment, I saw my life and shame and felt compelled by a different voice other than God. It was the voice telling me one simple thing:

“God’s not real”.

I listened to that voice that day and didn’t pray to God (or at least not in the way of asking God for help). Instead, I sat in my car and walked around the park, thinking that whether I pray or not, it won’t matter.

The next day, the dean’s office called me to say an error had occurred and was corrected.

I had already been academically dismissed in their system, which was irreversible; however, due to the error, I was allowed to transfer to a nearby sister college to continue my education.

I remember being so puffed up, so smug, so cocky. I literally said:

“Ha! See! I didn’t need to pray! I didn’t need God! I did it all myself!

That one moment of pure self-righteous joy was all it took for me to forsake the God that had helped me my whole life. Because I believed deep down that, because I didn’t pray that it was my doing and not his, that saved me.

It created a “God Complex” in me, which led to so many horrible narcissistic traits that I held for years to come.

That one moment sent me on a downward spiral that lasted 11 years.

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I was arrested twice, married and divorced, broke off every friendship and relationship I ever had, fell into depression, panic attacks, and continued horrible, toxic relationships. I was constantly seeking validation and approval from others about my self-worth rather than looking inward.

Looking back, God never abandoned me.

In fact, despite saying “I didn’t pray.” I know now that God knows are hearts intimately, that despite my telling myself I wasn’t asking for his help.

He knew what was written on my heart. However, that didn’t change my mind. I was lost and confused, and I had shut God out of my life.

I abandoned God.

This cycle of identity-loss, which had first driven me away from Christianity and formed as a new atheist ideology, slowly began to change over the years as my life got worse and worse and my problems and issues piled up.

I tried every religion and ideology you can imagine, Buddhist and eastern thought, witchcraft, and new-age ideology. I went through the gamut of spiritual and religious beliefs, avoiding Christianity completely.

As I reflect now, I know I left out of shame more than anything; however, at the time, it just felt like I had been lied to and that I had broken the spell and figured it all out.

This cycle lasted into my 30s.

Until the day at 33, I got sick.

Until the day I developed chronic illness and major health issues.

Until the day that, when I needed them most, the crystals, the other Gods, and “the universe” did nothing to help me.

Until the day my new age friends saw me broken physically and mentally, and left me behind to be alone and freshly broken once again.

Until the day God decided that He had watched me suffer from my own ego for long enough.

That day, in complete desolation of soul and mind, I knelt on the floor, full of pain, and begged Jesus to re-enter my life.

I begged Jesus to forgive me for leaving Him so many years ago.

And in that moment, as clear as day, He did.

And He healed me.

It was no longer a question of whether He was real. I lived it, I experienced His love, His Grace, His Healing, and His Glory. All at once.

And I realized that all those years ago in that car parked in the middle of the park, He actually answered a silent prayer in my mind, and instead of thanking Him, I got up, walked away, and abandoned Him for over a decade.

And I couldn’t be mad at God, all I could do was thank Him for how he treated me in that moment. He saw me walk away, and He didn’t stop me.

As God the Father, in the most loving way a father can, He said:

“I’m not going to force you into my presence, Young one. I will be here waiting for your return.”

And I did return.

And I will never leave again.

I was 33 when I became a Christian.